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I rarely post anymore because the words don't flow, that's not my aptitude. So I'll let stream-of-consciousness do the speaking for me, even if it's misconstrued. Friends asking..."Millie, are you dead?" I send back an emoji ghost, or a face with two x's for eyes. I don't know how to share the weight of my emotion, while I sit in isolation letting texts bury texts, voicemails and messages become mountains. The last year and a half, what a whirlwind. Drowning in self doubt, self pity. The fire under my ass needs more kindling. I berate myself, hate myself, and seek inspiration, but everything looks gray, excitement scarce. "You can do most anything you put your mind to," I say to myself in the mirror over and over but I can't find my original grind. Too many directions and not enough time. I've been a clown, a doorgirl, a girl being dragged under a bed. A bunny batting away Easter eggs, Mr. Claus's other half, I've been a photographer, a social media marketer, and occasionally I design. I've been an AirBnb host for a couple summer months, made some good friends while others were nightmares. Sometimes I cater, and now I do stand-up comedy, I found the gig on craigslist. Once I was an improv actor, a shotgirl, and a server at this really cool bar. People will pay you to compromise who you are, but there's nothing to compromise when you're lost. I've pissed people off, been irresponsible as hell because I couldn't find that direction. Then there are the relationships I've let drizzle away, too consumed, selfishly dealing with my own self-worth demons, inconsiderate is probably what they'd call me. They might say, "You've let us down," and to that I'd say, "Most of all, I've disappointed myself." Then one night, mid-fight, I'm told that numbing serum is flushed down the toilet. I scream and scream and scream and scream. The screams tear through my torso, searing my insides like steak, and my heart is kick-boxing my chest. I haven't screamed in over a year. A few more grunts, an attempted burning of paper, and a conversation about female equality later...
...the gray veil lifts. May 26th. Suddenly I'm welcomed back to a land full of color. Holy shit, where the hell have I been this whole time? There's mountains to climb, photos I have to take, films I have to act in. Acts of love I want to partake in. People I care about, and they don't even know it, because I haven't said "I love you" lately, in fact, I've barely shown it. I forgot to love others because I didn't love me. So now I feel like a phoenix returning from the ashes, I had to let it all burn down to understand how to grow. Who knew the right fix, was to know yourself well? All of this and money is tight, but I'm living the dream all day and all night. I'm ready to fight the good fight.
It's good to be back. Now that I've returned to the land of the truly alive, if you read this whole thing you deserve some recognition, comment with a link to your stuff or with a recent win or accomplishment of yours! I'd like to check it out and keep the inspiration burning. ✴️
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You are such an immense inspiration. Life can be as hard as passion is hot, but never forever. Many people can't see those periods through to the end of the tunnel, and you're so strong and worthy of admiration, love, all the inspiration and happiness in the world for that tenacity.
Mad respect, and everything else. I know you're going to make a huge mark on the world. There was a feeling when we met, in a different time and place--as I was digging my way through the most trying period of my own life--and I now recognize what that was. In the first 27 years of your life, having traveled everywhere and lived in cities with millions of people, you meet less than a handful of people who you can watch and say, "There's been no one else like her/him. If I'm lucky I'll meet three or four like them before I die?" and you are one of them.
Warmest wishes, strongest tailwinds, and my deepest artistic camaraderie for anything and everything you put your heart and mind to. I hope to one day muster half of what you've shown the world you're made of.
C H R I S
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I'm honestly at a loss for words. Knowing the extent of your travels, and all that you've experienced - thank you. Thank you so much. That was beautiful and I think I'm going to print it out and put it on my wall as a reminder to myself to stay the course.
We were standing outside of that restaurant for Mobstyles - I remember that feeling. I too greatly admire all that you stand and strive for -- you're a warrior of and for the world! I know we'll have another shot at working together and changing the future together through the arts. You don't have to show the world what you're made of, you are already changing it! :)
P.S. I'd love to keep in touch more often. I'm definitely curious to know what you're working on!
My name is Frankie, and six months ago I graduated from Stuyvesant High School. I decided to take a Gap year to pursue a career. Fast forward 6 months, and I’m a on Backstage. I come across Christopher Fung’s website and his project, “SHAM’. There wasn’t a personal email so I sent one to you, his manager. If it isn’t too much to ask for, would you be able to forward this email to Christopher?
I know that I want a career in film acting. But I'm a little discouraged, a little hesitant, and confused. It doesn’t help that my parents just don’t get it. From Christopher’s bio I see that he followed a traditional path for the most part before venturing into being an entrepreneur. I'm asking for help, some advice.
You must be super busy with work, but if you could spare half an hour out of your day some time in the past coming weeks would you be available for coffee? I'd love to ask you questions about the industry, for advice, and just things in general. I know I'll come out of it with something new. It would be an honor.
Thank you so much in advance,
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Great to hear from you! It's inspiring to see that you're following an unconventional path based on what you know. You know you want to act, and you've reached that realization much earlier than I did. It may sound strange that, while I'm a big believer in reaching out to mentors, I also believe that advice can slow down those who are innately creative. Actors, by definition, are creatives. We choose to perform because we accept that every person holds in themselves infinite possibilities. So I'm a bit hesitant to give you specific advice, but I'll try to share what I know.
You may come from a background with hardworking minority parents who are conservative in their worldview because they haven't been able to take much risk to get to where they and you are today; however, because you have the opportunity to more broadly define what fulfills your life going forward, you should seize that with zeal. If after two candid and deep conversations with your family, they completely disregard the possibility of the career you have a passion for, you can honestly and freely leave the domain of those expectations and attend auditions at every moment you're not working your survival job. If you decide you're still curious to learn in the format of school, especially in the field of acting, you might try your hand at Tisch; see where the curriculum and social network bring you. If you decide on some combination of the above, have spent six months or a year auditioning for projects that pique your interest but truly don't have the diverse role you want to play as an Asian American man, you might resolve to create your own work and assemble all the moving parts to bring it to life. That's more or less what happened with me.
Regardless of what happens, know that you won't starve because your mind and body have built-in instinct to keep that from happening--so you can sleep knowing that you have always had and will always have the independence to feel and do what means most to you, should the scenario arise that you lose financial and moral support from your family (which is never permanent; love needs distance to grow)--and, just as importantly, that you will only ever have dignity and happiness if you apply yourself as your heart (not your head) nags and surround yourself with people who feel the same way, love your work, and express that it inspires them to do the same.
Sorry for the diarrhea! I hope that's helpful.
Happy New Year and brightest wishes for your exciting endeavors ahead.
C H R I S